I think I've written close to fifty pages this week. The writing has been coming so fast and strong. It's a blessing, but it also keeps me from being human sometimes. Yesterday I spent six hours in front of my laptop. I get edgy and anxious. I sweat. I don't eat. It's like being on meth. Not sure what that is, or if it was always there. It feels good though, committing to things. I talked about writing this novel for ten years. Since I committed to changing, to taking risks and actually trying, in the matter of ten months I wrote a three hundred page novel and am headlong into another one. Maybe that's what the anxiety comes from after a long day of writing, it means I've spent a long day of doing something the terrifies me, finishing! The cycle is pretty standard, right? Once you finish something, then you have to show it to people, and then they feel things about it, but it doesn't feel like they feel things about it, it feels like the way they feel about thing you made is the way they feel about you. It's a pretty tough bargain. I'm asking a lot of myself if I'm asking to write the greatest novel of all time every time I turn the laptop on.
I was having a crisis about stand up too. I did two sets in a row that I thought were horrible. Every one that I talked to about it assured me that no, I was great, but it demoralized me a little bit. I thought maybe I wasn't that serious about comedy or as good as I thought I was. Then I did a storytelling show at the last minute with/for Andy Dick. It was at a clubhouse in a loft apartment building. A lot of working professionals and professional girlfriends wearing juicy sweatpants and implants, carrying louis vuitton bags. I told the story about the time I had to take a shit in the street. It's a funny story at the end of my act and I adapted it last minute to adapt to the format of the show. It went okay. Then at the open mic I go to every Tuesday I tried my first material about the fact that I was in porn. I'm not sure if it was me being self conscious or if it was the audience, but it was hard and awkward. I've been doing this mic every week for a year and no one knew that I've been in porn movies. Audience reaction was hard to gauge, but they were all also comics, so audience reaction is always hard to gauge. So by the end of all that I was feeling pretty over comedy. Maybe I'd had it for minute and now I was moving on to writing.
But then I was watching a documentary about whales and I wrote a great joke about rape culture. So back on. I also have some choice stuff about cool girls and making sushi out of pufferfish.
I also recorded my first episodes of OBSERVATIONS out of The Comedy Store. They went amazing. I'm going to try to have the first one up by Wednesday! I interviewed writer and activist Conner Habib. We got into some deep personal shit. I also broadcast the podcast on periscope. We'll see how people like it.
This week I'm performing standup in NYC the 10th and 11th. Mosey on over to the shows page for details.
I also have a role in a new web series called Sportz Night on youtube. I play a foul mouthed lady sportscaster. Go peep it on my media page.